Street Cricket in India
The BCCI (Board of Control for Cricket in India) today decided to ban all forms of galli, indoor, school-kid and ‘customised’ cricket games, including those played on streets, in homes, and with tennis, hockey or plastic balls. The BCCI has also declared a life-long ban on those individuals, especially young children, who “spoil the spirit of the game by playing cricket on roads and streets, with tennis or other such balls and do not wear pads or gloves while batting or keeping, among others.”
“This is a gross violation of the rules of the game. It is illegal, lowers the dignity
of both the ICC and BCCI, and therefore, strictly speaking from today onwards, shall be punished,” a BCCI official, beaming with glee, announced.
“We are specially warning children playing cricket without wearing shoes, pads and gloves, or using tennis balls or any non-cricket ball — stop it or face our fury, which will
be unleashed ruthlessly, by placing a life ban on you, preventing you from watching any IPL matches, having your thumbs cut off
if you persist, or your TV cables blocked out of all cricket telecasts,” the official told Sedition and Perdition.
Along predictable lines, all major cricketers, international cricket bodies, national cricket bodies, BCCI officials, ex-cricketers, commentators, Bollywood stars, irrelevant politicians manning cricket bodies, and loads of sport lovers in India supported the move.
“Quite frankly this ban should have been brought into place long ago. For decades now, Indians across the country have been insulting their self-confessed religion of cricket, demeaning its stature, lowering its dignity and indulging in other blasphemous actions, including using tennis balls. How would Brazil react if kids there played soccer with a cricket ball?” a cricket commentator, earlier caught in a betting and match fixing scandal sermonised. “Tennis balls, aagrrh.”
But in sharp reaction, sports goods shops, tennis associations and coaches, condemned the ban on tennis ball cricket. “We will be destroyed if we are not allowed to sell tennis balls to Indian children so they can play cricket with it. What do you think all these tennis courts and tennis balls and racquets are purchased for…to play tennis? Good god, no!”
Tennis coaches across India, who help Indian children perfect the art of playing cricket with tennis balls threatened to go on strike if the ban was not removed. “What will we do? How will we earn and how will we feed our families? Tennis coaches in India will become bankrupt if they have to earn their livelihood teaching tennis,” they said.
In another sinister move, Lalit Modi
announced the creation of a new premium league of cricket which will have 10 overs an innings, to be played only with tennis balls, on simulated gallis.
“This multi-billion dollar league is my
innovation, a new way of playing cricket. We will have everyone who matters — political parties, godmen, industrial houses and Bollywood stars to bid for the teams. Just imagine, premium schools, slums and common galli kids all selected on a reality show with Danny Boyle as a judge, top-notch cricketers from around the world joining the teams, purchased by these cash-rich cricket lovers, and mind you, only 10 over a side, leaving more television time for ads and entertainment… all this is my idea and contribution to cricket,” Modi told SedPerd in an exclusive interview that never happened.
Legendary cricket Sunil Gavaskar, who just managed to save his skin from a life ban for having played cricket in narrow gallis, proclaimed the genius of Modi. “He is to cricket what Goebbels was to the Nazi party,” he told SedPerd in a fictional interview. “Just imagine taking something that is already there, banning it using your muscle, then making a format of it and earning billions… That is the genius of the BCCI and Modi.”
Objectivist, a near anonymous philosopher, reacted saying, “It was always there openly in front of the public. The alphabet ‘C’ in BCCI stands for control…why cricket or cricketers need control, no one questioned. This is the logical end of it.”
In the meanwhile, exuberant stars began planning for the bids, cricketers globally
announced retirement from Test and One Day Internationals cricket to join the Indian Tennis-ball Galli Cricket League, while TV moguls smacked their lips, ad men went frantic creating newer galli-compliant Zoo-Zoos, and little cricket loving kids shrugged their shoulders and began playing Kabbadi on Indian streets, while the unheard poet screamed in pain, “they have destroyed my dear game of cricket completely”.